soft spoken with a broken jaw

so today was totally, utterly and completely gorgeous. it must have passed seventy, and now (it's 7:06 pm) the sun is going down and it's not immediately freezing. usually we'll hit fifty something or sixty, and as soon as the sun goes down you run for your parka. today, it's still warm.

yesterday I sat on my front step in the sunshine, painting my toes. I ate a bunch of veggie sushi and tempura banana splits with the girls (Yum. seriously.) last night, and then we went to a midnight showing of amityville horror. bad, bad idea. I learned from seeing the warrens that you don't mess around with that whole world, you don't empower it or poke fun at it or anything. and I was so uncomfortable forty-five minutes into it that I had to go outside. I read more of the weetzie bat book in the car until they all got out. I don't recommend seeing it.

and this morning, kacia and I got up and went to the 7:30 meeting, tea in hand, sleepy eyed and smiling. it was about having a baseline spiritual connection, and I talked about how grateful I was that it was such shit when I decided to get sober. so that when they asked me to take these (seemingly) terrifying leaps of faith, that I may have hesitated for a moment, but did it anyways. and that it's given me a strong foundation that I can take with me, anywhere.

so speaking of (jumping) leaping, I asked the universe to make things really, really clear for me. and that if I'd already been given signs, to be given them again. because I'm a little dense when it comes to these spiritual... technicalities. the big stuff, the hardest stuff, is almost the easiest. the subleties are what baffle me. and in the last two days, four different people that don't know each other each approached me and randomly started talking about how they went from (a) fulfilling low-paying jobs to corporate, and how they were never happier at the former, and (b) secure corporate good-paying jobs to doing what they wanted (food stand, massage, etc.) and that they were never happier than now.

also, when I shouted out for the world to make it obvious driving yesterday, a pirate license plate went by on the front of an otherwise nondescript car.

now, tie this in with a forty minute conversation with kristin, who won't tell me anything in advance, but lets me know when I've figured things out, and says stuff like, "you belong here too. I was just waiting for you to see it," and I'm laughing out the window of willoughby's, after being thoroughly disenchanted with new haven ten different ways in the hours before.

and you already know about the planning committee thing. which made sense, even to a total stranger (one of the four) that I talked to this morning about all of this. actually, she was compelled to come and tell me. I hugged her for it.

today, after that meeting, I came home with all intentions to exercise and take advantage of the day. I did, only I ate cereal and read at the table and did a little laundry. then I drove to the beach in west haven with the top down and the volume up, and had lunch in the sunshine with my family at a biker bar on the beach.

really.

and I don't want to wind up like them. drunk, or discontent, or hiding. I didn't do very well interacting with my sister, when she started complaining to excess and then immediately denying it, I told her that in the real world, everyone was fine and that she was pretty fucking miserable, if she really wanted the truth.

she didn't.

anyways (I'll work on that one later) what I've come to, the next level of clarity, is to be clearer. that is, I've got to hone down what I want to do for the work stuff, which is really the only part of this that's bending my mind around a little. I'll live wherever feels right and I'll smell the coffee roasting and see my seat through the window, but I don't know what to pursue for work. and the lessons of the week have shown me that all I really need to do is sort of know, and then ask. I'm going to go to that what did you want to be when you grew up / I always wish I / wouldn't it be great to / etc. place. here, I'll do it with the apartment, so it's bouncing around by the time I get there:

I want to live in a pretty studio in a big old multi-family with cool neighbors, a big walk-in closet for storage, convenient laundry and old big windows. cat friendly, carport optional. maybe somewhere in the ne neighborhood, so colin and I can write furiously from our kitchen tables and stumble across each other. and he'll sing songs about pirates and I'll give him a ride to the airport when his friend's car breaks down at the last minute.

see? the clearer it gets, the clearer it gets.

~vvb