I don't know when it started. maybe some violent posts on rnr, which felt strange at the time, but grew to be acceptable. that's the only physical timeframe I can trace it back to - where I let out all this anger and judgement, knowing it was wrong, feeling uncomfortable, and doing it anyway.
fast forward to last night, sobbing in my car, completely unable to do anything but see the wrong in what everyone else is doing. and suddenly my life isn't okay anymore.
physically, things are fine. a little tight on money, but what else is new. I've gone to the gym two out of the last three mornings, with plans for tomorrow. I'm losing weight. I'm starting to get asked out sometimes. I am totally into all this music that I love, and I'm working on pulling photos together for open studios. yet, there's this impending sense of terror, coupled with being very hard on myself, coupled with wanting to sleep fifteen hours at a clip. I can't wait for cmj, but I feel like I'm not worthy of going - I feel like a total dork, what am I doing, who do I think I am... I've got some decent shots up for open studios, but I feel like my friends will just come because they've got to, because they're probably all talking about me anyways, because I can't stop being such an asshole. on top of all of this, I feel like I'm not home enough for my cat, I just got divorced, I'm getting older, and I'm not saving enough money for how much I'm making. in other words, I'm beating myself up, a lot, and I don't know how to stop.
now, logically, I know a lot of this is bullshit. the people close to me, when they have something to say about me, they call me up and say it. I've been a little irresponsible with money, and now I'm working on it. I'm doing something about my weight and physical health. I wake up a little early in the morning and lay there for a minute so cha cha can "do laundry" and bond with me. I buy her trader joe's mongol crab and tuna or whatever the fuck it is to make up for not being around enough. I've stopped ranting on craigslist. I've changed up my meeting schedule a little to get out of this gossip-full environment. I'm talking about this stuff, I'm writing...
I still can't figure out what to do with my hair. I think that's a bigger blow that I realize, having always had people complimenting me on my hair. it's almost like I took it away from myself to see where I stood. I'm not at my mom's as much as I feel I should be. my sister's kind of insane. everyone is getting laid but me. I've got a serious attitude problem, I've got these raging expectations, and I can't get off of my (futon) couch on days like today where I should be throwing in a load of laundry and making the rounds.
sometimes I hate it that I had found someone willing to overlook all this shit - because I left him. I can logically get into all the reasons I don't want to be with him, I still don't, I know that like I know my name - but it was nice sometimes to be a case and have my breakdowns and have the normal emoting not be followed up with, "and if I stay like this, I'm never going to find anyone" - even though I know it's not true. I'd rather be alone than be with someone who is with me because they feel bad or what have you.
I hope I'm being honest. I don't know how much of this makes sense, it's just - I'm at the point where I'm ready to stop talking because I don't know what the fuck is going to come out of my mouth. I'm hitting some kind of emotional bottom with something, I just don't know what. and even having woken up around noon, I could go back to sleep right now for hours (it's 3).
maybe I'm just tired of a lot of things. and maybe I have no idea what's actually wrong. all I know is that something changed, and while I can see that it's something that needs to change, I just can't figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing about it.
maybe I should have gotten on the highway last night after all.
~vvb