a stand-by contestant in your wildest dreams

so I woke up this morning to a couple of things: a super clear performance of "engine driver" from a cellphone transmission, held out lovingly by kristin, three thousand miles west of here. a cool morning that smelt strangely like springtime and dirt and mowed lawns, even with the cold greyness of all of it everywhere to remind me spring was, as a matter of fact, nowhere near. and currently, I'm two songs into the archive performance of colin meloy on KEXP.

all of these, and the realization that my addiction to peanut butter may, quite literally, annihilate me. I just can't stop. like a kid eating warm undercooked brownies out of the middle of the pan.

the upside to that last one is that I've been going to the gym again, doing elliptical for cardio and some basic weight training. hang on, colin and cheryl are talking. I'll be right back.

***

I'm forcing myself right now to channel my frustration (see below, the not doing enough / being enough kind) into inspiration - but cripes is it tough to do... I should see people like cheryl and colin meloy and even jon rodgers as people pursuing their craft, people that I can learn from and take direction from, but instead there's a jealousy and unrest that I'm not quite able to shake. it doesn't always feel like this, but it does lately. it feels all kinds of wrong and uncomfortable - I'll just have to see if it passes.

that seems to be the theme lately, with the aforementioned frustration and unrest. things just don't seem okay, nothing fits anywhere (colin tunes his guitar, mmm), and then one by one, they bubble up to the surface. (and he starts to play a song called 'everything I try to do, nothing seems to turn out right') and I'm fat, because I gained six pounds, so I go back to the gym. and confess about the peanut butter. and I'm having some surrounding category angst, where if I just built these shelves that I can't afford (and get a haircut and a whole new wardrobe of clothes) then everything would be fine. and that's not the case. and I'm too focused on me and raf was in the hospital, and people asked about him and I talked about me and people asked about my mom and I talked about how we were fighting and it came up to the surface and got clear and changed. (and colin laughs and almost drops the chords, sweet clementine...)

and I just deleted a bunch of stuff that didn't fit and didn't make sense, but I'll come back later and do it right. there were some other things that came up to the surface yesterday, that I'm still processing, that I don't want to be choppy about. that, and I have to get back to work, because I've been typing for the last hour and a half.

kisses and sweeping realizations and peanut butter addictions for all,

~vvb