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free to be you and me

so I guess I should like, update or something. for the three people out there who only keep track of me through my blog, it may seem that I've been teetering on some precipice of mental health... or at least away from the computer for a while and when I'm on, a little too busy to update.

it's a little bit of both, but mostly the latter.

hi. I'm doing just fine.

so like I talked about on the last post, the general discomfort wound up being a series of things and events that had to bubble up to the surface and be dealt with. kind of like emotional pimples. that's gross, but fairly accurate. so things are getting better, or clearing up, or whatever. it really all came down to some fears and insecurities I had going on in various areas of my life, along with some necessary ego deflating. and I sit here recovering, in my mental oatmeal bath (to minimize scars), with the need to report in. to you. whoever you are. I write all assuming people check in periodically, and I think they actually do. I'd love for everyone to leave me messages on the board so that I know who's really there - it makes me think of the few random blogs I read regularly without ever commenting. they'll never know. maybe I should go say hi to them.

so colin meloy is tomorrow night, and valentine's day is fast approaching. that means I've got to like, think of something. the budget's still tight, so far I've got plans for a date box full of relatively inexpensive suggestions for days and nights out. I might have a lead on some baseball tickets, but it's all very hush-hush and I've got to see how many loans I'm closing next month before I spend more than ten bucks on anything.

shit, I actually have to go back to work and do my pipeline report. before I leave. to go to the gym. that's right, you heard me.

so there were all these cool shows I couldn't get to and good things I had to pass up on in the name of sanity, but things are looking up. I've got some great pictures tacked up on my walls courtesy of snapfish (simplest thing EVER, highly recommended) and I'm hoping to sneak in the camera tomorrow via my photography email from the decemberists from when I went to toad's. you remember that, don't you? and oh yeah, valentine's day. so (I keep saying so) the last bunch of valentine's days that I was actually emotionally entangled found me in tears in the card aisle. most memorably the last one at the end of my marriage, where I stood there reading all these cards, going, I can't even buy any of these. at all. I don't even mean a tenth of what these say. and invariably I'd default to getting a funny one about farting in bed or stealing the covers or I'd send something from the cat, because it let me avoid the whole thing completely.

this year, I actually want to go find a good card that says all the nice things I want to say. but since most of them are either "you're really nice" or "I love you forever for being the world's greatest husband", I might have to use a little white out. like, "I like you a lot right now for being the world's greatest boyfriend", or something. but point being, it's fun and exciting and the way it should be. I never knew that it was supposed to be like this, fun and heartmelting and good kissing in the car late at night. I actually thought something was wrong the other day because I wasn't consistently aching for him. in reality, that's because I'm not torturing myself or in any kind of self inflicted pain as a result of dating this time, so most days it's just... nice.

just like jitm doing his AND cheryl's sets today. fabu.

so I guess that's it. writing for a sense of obligation to an imaginary audience is better than not writing at all, and not quite as good as part two of the book that opens with a ridiculously good sex scene. nanowrimo 2006, here I come.

so here's to all those kisses, and the little love note I got for no reason that told me I was one of the strongest women he knew.

(sighs, and cues that old funky version of "try a little tenderness".)

~vvb

editor's note:

paragraph breaks in this entry: 11
paragraph breaks in this entry that started with "so": 6

just in case you're like, counting. or something.

Victoria Uhl