Blog Archive

christmas eve eve

the day before the day before. I'm into double statements, double negatives, and a good night's sleep (finally).

hi. it's 9:15 and I've only been up for a half hour. I can't remember the last time I slept past 7 or 7:30, and half the week I'm up at 5. so last night was glorious. I'm looking around our apartment, which, in a week will be dismantled. I never made it quite what I wanted it to be, and that saddens me a little bit. I think it was just an in-between, I can totally see how it has served it's purpose, but the writing in the sun at the shiny kitchen table element never really totally took on. it's cute and all... but mostly all I saw in it was what it wasn't. now, it's a certified disaster area - you can't walk five feet without banging into something, be it a wall or a stack of laundry or what have you. so today, I have the day off. I will putter, clean up, and lounge. I might even bake a pie or two. no job, no school, no nothin' till tuesday. except for stuff I want to do, and maybe some laundry here and there.

I've felt like a normal girl with backlash lately. I got so scared about my mom, for so long it felt like, and it was so, so hard - and now, I'm more okay about it, but it's still at my back door - all the terrified energy. all that just in case, all that feeling on the edge of everything - that's not right up in the front of my head, but there are such repercussions. I'm bitchy and cranky and I'm forgetting things and I feel all arms and legs. I read about how wellbutrin can cause agitation and sexual side effects - and then erin goes, or dude, you've had so much going on that like, you probably just need to sleep for a while - so herein begins the experiment.

tucker was home for five minutes yesterday from georgia, we all had dinner out last night after the meeting. I got cute little boxes and christmas cards and kacia gave me the sweetest little book with a poem that made her think of me, cut out and taped to the inside. I stood on the stairwell and cried, as she sat there and told me abou this book about love and compassion and how she saw things in there that I had told her, and - this is how it goes. I get so, so, far away from everything I know to be me and right and peaceful, and I'm convinced everyone is just going to run away from me screaming, and then kacia does this or kelly gives me a card about how inspirational it is to watch me just be myself - I just can't believe it.

I'm just looking around this place at how much I have to do. harrumph. I think I'll have breakfast first instead. the new place has two bedrooms, and for now, if raf agrees, I want to put all the extra whatever into the second one with laundry and all that until we can figure out where things fit. and then little by little I want to store things and organize things and just make it everything I ever wanted it to be. only now, I know that it's not the end-all be-all of my life, it's just a thing on the side. if it looks all great, fine; if not, it really doesn't mean much in the scope of my existence. I remember when I used to think that if you just arranged the things around you to be okay, then things would be okay - and when I sat there in my shiny clean kitchen, nothing was okay. I thought I was going to lose my mind.

so here's to big empty spaces and mismatched things. including me and raf. I feel like some days, we're the two pieces of the puzzle that you don't try to put in a particular space, because it looks like the shape or the color are wrong - and then you put them together, and the picture comes to life, and you wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

if I'm not back soon, merry christmas, everybody.

"search not for happiness. search for right living, and happiness will be your reward."
-anon.

Victoria Uhl