For the first time in about a week, it wasn't still 90 degrees in the middle of the night last night - and I slept. Beautiful, unsweaty sleep. I got up around 10 (!!!) after not sleeping past 7:30 for the last two weeks. And while the familiar feeling of wasting time crept in, it was quickly replaced by a sense of restedness (is that a word)? Raf got back yesterday, so waking up curled next to him was a treat too.
I have a great life.
So it's 10:50 and I'm eating raw cashews. Today I'm going to shower, run out to my mom's real quick to pick up some shorts I left there, hopefully get to the recycling center before they close, train at koffee? from 2 - 4, and then the regular friday night gig. Maybe something thrilling in there like grocery shopping too - and then it's family time with Raf all weekend. There's a reunion Saturday and a birthday party Sunday, and the weather looks great.
I went back to the therapist yesterday, I hadn't been to see her in about two months. And there I was, sitting across from a licensed professional, listening to her telling me about disorders and adjustments and varying aspects of mental health. One, to better understand a few members of my family, and two, to get me to stop using the word "crazy" about myself. There are people in my life who are crazy - like, crazy crazy. Sociopaths, borderline personality disorders, and so forth. Me, on the other hand (as far as we can tell), apparently I'm just going through some kind of situational adjustment disorder. Sounds manageable, doesn't it? Basically I'm apparently chock full of solid values and structured beliefs, and I've just had a bunch of stuff go on that's caused me to short-circuit a little bit. I can't even explain what a relief this is to know - in February, I was in my car, on the phone with Kristin, sobbing. Thinking I was losing it - like, really. Like, the crazy was getting inbetween who I was and who I was becoming - and it was terrifying. I thought it would never end - now fast forward to yesterday morning and hearing all this. And that I'm doing a good job, and that we've untangled a bunch of knots, and that therapy - pending any upcoming crisis - is like a once monthly thing to deal with present issues. Which is what everyone else is doing too - the major hurdles of my childhood did this and my parents did that and this is why you're like this when this happens - they're not all set or anything, but there's a basic roadmap. And now, we'll deal with how I behave with men (mostly my current one) and being scared and why I do what I do at work and procrastinating or whatever.
I'll say it again: I'm not crazy. My hard wiring, while a little frayed, is inherently good.
And I guess I have no one to apologize to but myself (and Kristin) for slacking on the updates, but I think I'm running at a halfway decent percentage here. I'm going to fight the temptation to go back and date entries for the days I missed and write about what I was thinking that day, just to see all the little boxes checked off.