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Blog blog blog. Bloggity blog blog, blog blog blog…

Blog? Morning pages? Who knows. New laptop, new week, new job, new me…

I’m all up and dressed this morning, thinking that Denise might need me today but it turns out that it won’t be until after 9. Which actually works out great, so that I can sit here (Bucky’s) after having done a few errands and what have you.

It’s crazy, I am either completely and totally on the ball with getting things done or I am unable to do anything about anything and I’m all immobilized in the apartment. I’ve got to stop watching things go by, wondering if I’m going to wake up twenty years from now – twenty years having got behind me – already I’m appalled at the fact of having been writing in coffeeshops since I was 15, from poring over my first notebooks (the blue one, and then the yellow one) at the Daily… skipping class and chain smoking… to all-dressed-up for my real life job and taking the time to “journal” like all the healthy adults do. That’s almost seventeen years now. And sometimes I wonder if I’ve gotten anywhere at all, or if there’s just been a couple of scenery changes.

Inherently, I know that’s not true. And I forget, when I do this, and get the bat out of the bag all about to do a number on myself and everything – that nothing is wrong. Not that there’s not things to strive for and goals and all kinds of things that fall under “other” but inherently, there’s nothing wrong. I have a good life. I engage in the daily dance-slash-fistfight to better myself on a daily basis, be it through meetings or therapy or speaking my mind and removing myself from toxic situations… trying to hear my voice… I guess it’s just hard to not be a pile of all the books I never read and all the movies I never took the time to watch. There is such a massive, massive learning curve to all… all this life-stuff. Now I know why they all force College and Respectable Job and blah blah blah down our throats growing up, because all of that proves pretty handy – and then Kristin starts writing about school – and I remember that I would have been blowing tuition out my ass in a freaking blackout had I managed to show up at any type of college immediately after high school. And I remember that I’ve got more Respectable Jobs than I could shake a stick at at my fingertips, if I really wanted to put myself in a place to get them – and that I’ve purposefully walked away from so much because it fell under This Just Doesn’t Quite Fit and I’d Rather Buy Underwear At Target And Be Broke and Happy… not that being rich and happy are mutually exclusive, but it’s artist-with-a-dayjob time for now. Which means I have to do the work at the artist part and Put It Out There. Which goes back to being immobilized in my apartment.

Right when I decided to quit my job I thought to myself, well, on top of selling everything I own on eBay so I can get out of debt, I should push more efforts into my photography. At a few hundred or even a thousand dollars a shot would wrap it all up quick (with the exception of the car, I’m at about $16,000, which means with crappy paying jobs I’ve managed to get through about $7,000 over the last few years with just throwing whatever is left over at my debt for the last two or three years… sheesh). I’ve even stopped using my credit cards, and keep shoving the debt over to low balances, and this shit still annihilates my life. And then right out of nowhere, shit just almost fell in my lap – so far I’ve got a website redo offer as well as two potential weddings – and the funny part, oh Universe, the funny part is that the day I was getting coffee just dying over having to go in and quit what I thought was my dream job was the same day that a bunch of potential photography jobs and photography-related stuff just fell right into my lap. Literally.

So, I’ve been chatting with the guy next to me, about roofing and computers and stuff – usually that annoys me but this time it was tolerable, and hopefully I made a contact for Raf – and now it’s time to go take some pictures all up in the hood for Denise.

I’m just going to start straight-posting this stuff out of my laptop meanderings in the morning and see what happens… I’m not even sure if anyone is still listening, but I'm still speaking.


all these minutes I need that I spend freaking out

I can stop whenever I want to.