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panera, schmanera

seriously. free internet, gushy awesome bread, a fireplace, and - get this - a double espresso with meticulous crema.

who knew?

it's getting a little bonkers in here what with lunchtime at all, but I didn't write this morning and I feel like I did something wrong. I did go to the gym like, four days in a row though. I'm in-between appointments and have to get cracking in about fifteen minutes.

I just sent out two emails to clear some space in my head, so technically I did do some writing today. one was to a friend that moved away physically, and things kind of got lost in translation about six months ago, and it's been strained-slash-nonexistent ever since. the other was to a friend who is here, but not near in the emotional sense, I suppose friend #1 falls into that category too - but she's both kinds of far away. friend #2 is at arm's reach, maybe fifteen exits on I-95, but it might as well be mexico.

I've always been one, since the last few years at least - okay, for the last few years I have turned into a person who (that's better) feels like saying the quiet part out loud can, at times, be the right choice - I used to think that it was the case all the time, and in sobriety I have gained some semblance of grace and tact... these days it's relegated to big stuff, a close friend pulling away from meetings, that kind of thing. not every little moment of minutia (sp?) that I don't agree with or understand. friend #1 got to a place where she wasn't sure of her alcoholism anymore, and I said it out loud, and it caused a rift. friend #2 got to a very sure place of anger and blame, and I tried to say it out loud, and got rapid machine-gun fire in return. so neither of those worked out nicely, but like I started with, I would rather say the quiet part out loud than be fake and make nice noises in conversation (oh? mmm-hmm. that's great! really?) and talk about the weather... apparently once I'm sober for a long time I will see the spiritual fitness in saying nothing, but for now, it's almost - it is - how I keep my side of the street clean. if something is going down in flames, I'd rather throw some water on it than ignore the charred canyon in the earth as a result, you know?

even if you don't know, that's fine. it makes sense to me. it gives me a pretty short list of people to talk to when I'm out of my mind, because I become convinced that almost everyone is full of crap, but whatever. a shorter list means less stupid time, less ridiculous phone calls I don't want to participate in anyways, and more meaningful relationships with those shorter-list people anyway, which is what I want. when I got sober, I always talked about how it felt like having a soccer team, a handful of important women in my life - now, there's tryouts to make the team, and it takes work to stay. on my team, and on the teams I'm on.

so, maybe they quit my team, or I quit theirs - either way, they are both important enough for me to do a few replays, painful as they may be - to see if any of us made any mistakes along the way. we'll see what happens - I should have some results shortly, because they (like me) can't resist confrontation, especially when they're (I'm) right.

kiss kiss,

vvb

Victoria Uhl