the light, and the half-light...
...and tonight's the last night in the apartment.
I mean, I know this is all happening, but when big solid things like that go down - changing where I sleep, changing my address, people walking out of here with large pieces of furniture - well, it just kind of sends me reeling. It goes from happening to Happening.
I'm all stuck just now, staring at the little pile my life has been reduced to: six milk crates, two duffel bags, and then after tonight my overnight bag and my bathroom bag. That's it. In those milk crates are the most important little scraps of paper, pictures, notebooks, some bathroom stuff, books, cds, movies, and a miscellaneous one. That one has stuff like a cowboy hat, posters, legal papers, license plates, and a shawl someone made my grandmother, or that my grandmother made, I can't remember. Oh, and a giant flag that flew over a green for a veteran's remembrance for my father.
So, what's left... tonight I'll pack and clean the kitchen out, pack up the shoes, finish the odds and ends in the back room. Basically everything but physical moving of big stuff, none of which I am keeping.
I have to say, I made the greatest New KEXP mix, totally by accident. It's way better than the mixes I made, better than anything I could have planned... I love it.
Let's see... so today is laundry, work, and meeting, and then the rest will have to wait for tonight. I need normalcy so bad... maybe this is the normalcy. Awake, alive, very much entrenched in everything that's happening and not crazy made-up movies in my mind... so funny, to look around here and go, "That's not mine. That's not mine. That's not mine." When for a while, all I cared about was what was mine, how much was mine, how big it was, and how many people knew.
Elf-farmed twilight beets. I wonder if anyone is reading, maybe Kristin... I hope anyone that is reading is prepared for open processing, because I Am Never Editing Myself Again. Seriously.
I woke up to a little thunderstorm this morning, it was like a huge relief. The sound of the rain was so comforting, so right, the rustle of the leaves outside my window, ChaCha watching all the noises attentively from the sill - it's been so oppressive and so hot here, it seemed like the whole world was just plunged into a cool shower or a pool or something. I am quite sure that after six months straight I won't feel the same, or maybe I will, or maybe my insides just match a cool grey day with rustling leaves. I don't know.
I saw an ad on Craig's List for a one bedroom apartment for super cheap, that I am considering having Kristin look at, although I don't have a job yet, so I don't know if that's silly or if it's fine because I will have a job soon enough - a one bedroom for under $700.00 just seems silly. It doesn't look like it has a living room, but I don't have a television (or anything, really) so that doesn't really matter. And then I think maybe it might be too much space, and that I should just wait - who knows. I'll just put it out there and whatever is supposed to fall into place, will.
And before I get into the shower - I had *insane* dreams last night, of driving to Ohio with a girl who told me two hours into the trip that she was really going to Chicago, and we had to keep driving, and she got all upset - it was this insane girl from meetings I don't really know, but in the dream - it's all flying by like little snapshots now, so I can't piece it all together... the other one was about Raf, only it wasn't Raf in the dream (there's a whole thing about that that dream people talk about, transferring, guilt, etc.) but it was this kid Justin I went to high school with - and he was just so mean, and there was this big library, only people were knitting, and some of them were reading out loud, and Becca was there with some guy that was really chatty and just not picking up on the breakup awkward vibe... it was just so real. And I couldn't remember anyone when I woke up, or names, or anything, I was just all assaulted by the leaves rustling and the rain. It was such a strange sequence of events.